>Advice and a Burning Question

>Gosh, here's some inspiring advice:
http://content.screencast.com/users/slade67/folders/Jing/media/b608d156-fe6a-4623-b6c4-6cc78333557a/bootstrap.swf

And here's the answer to that burning question:

As a famous celebrity, I get asked a number of the same questions all the time. “Which pet shop cut your hair?” is a common one. Or here’s another favourite: “What do you mean it’s my turn to pay for lunch, Art, I thought we were going dutch?” And third on my all time list is “Why do you always put Moose Jaw in your books?”

Well, I have 13 books and so far Moose Jaw is only mentioned in 5 of them. That’s not even 50% (see, I can do math). Moose Jaw does appear in Jolted -- in fact, most of the book is set in that lovely city. I do have a particular affinity for Moose Jaw. After all, I was born there (I actually grew up on a ranch in the Cypress Hills, and now live in Saskatoon, but that’s another story). So, I feel I owe the city something because it helped bring me into the world.

Another reason I use Moose Jaw for a setting is the name is funny -- right? I mean, Toronto, Calgary, Montreal -- not particularly funny names. Readers see Moose Jaw and they start to giggle. Everyone knows, generally, where Moose Jaw is. It’s somewhere “over there” or “up there” or “near the border.” And Moose Jaw has achieved a legendary status in the North American consciousness. I once was in New York and a librarian said, “I’m so pleased to meet you,” and I said, “Oh, really, why?” I must admit, I was posing with my best authorial face on, waiting for a wonderful compliment about my amazing prose or my scintillating plotting, but her next words were, “I’ve never met anyone from Moose Jaw before.” I was stunned. I shook her hand, of course (not bothering to explain that I was only born there and never actually lived in the city).

But that’s exactly when I realized the secret of using Moose Jaw in novels. The city itself never could make up its mind about where the name comes from. One story says the name is from a pioneer who used a moose’s jaw to fix his wagon wheel. Neat, eh? Or else it’s from the Cree word moosegaw: “warm breezes.” Apparently the breezes are warm there. Or it’s from the Native American word moosoochapiskanissippi which we all know means, “the river shaped like the jaw of a moose.” It doesn’t really matter where the name came from -- it’s magic.

Art

>This Really BUGS me!

>More Jolted humour:

I know if you’re reading these words that you’re someone who’s always ahead of the curve. You’re a trendsetter. You were green/cool/retro before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon. You’ve got nice hair, too. Now is your chance to get even further ahead of the curve and lose weight and save the environment. “How?” you ask. Start eating bugs.

Oh, I know some of you have stopped reading now, and that’s too bad, because you don’t have the stuff/moxy/gusto to really set a trend. Bugs are the new 100-mile diet, or even 10-meter diet. They multiply like… well, like insects, and they have a very tiny environmental footprint. Heck, their feet (tarsi, technically) are just a bunch of little pads, hairs, or hooks and they hardly disturb a speck of dust. And they’re good for you. Take moth larvae (aka caterpillars): they are stuffed full of protein, fat, vitamins and minerals. Mmmmmmmm. Yum. Fry them up and mix in gravy and curds and you’ve got caterpillar poutine.

Okay, does this gross you out? Well, buck up! Survival is a state of mind that sloughs off all that civilized junk you’ve been taught. Besides, you’re already eating some rather gross food. Do you like honey? Well, that’s just bee vomit. Yes, it’s all been regurgitated. It’s time you took control of your own backyard—don’t let a wasp bite you; you bite it first. Raw yellow jacket larvae have a sweet, nutty flavour (doesn’t that just make you salivate?). Just be careful when you gather them. So, go out there and dig up those ant larvae—you’ll be saving the world one thorax at a time.

You’re still reading this, aren’t you? I knew you were a green/cool/retro trendsetter. Your hair is still looking good. Here’s your reward: if you’re searching for something to take to your next pot luck, this is a recipe from the main character in my book Jolted:

Newton Starker’s Chocolate Cricket Recipe

Collect two dozen crickets. Wash them in a covered colander. Shake them dry. Place them in the freezer for 15 minutes to kill them (but don’t let them freeze). Remove the head, hind legs, and wing cases (if you don’t want them to get stuck in your teeth). Bake at 250 degrees until they are deliciously crunchy. Dip the crickets in melted semisweet chocolate (you’ll need several squares) and let cool on wax paper.

Enjoy!

Art

>Rambo at Work

>More ideas inspired by JOLTED!

Have you ever wanted to be Rambo or Rambette?

Wouldn’t it be fun to hide out in the bushes and shoot big guns at bad cops who shouldn’t have messed with you? Well, you too can be a Rambo/ette -- and you don’t even have to leave the city or the safety of your cubicle! That’s what I learned from researching survival techniques in my latest book (which takes place at a survival school called Jerry Potts Academy of Higher Learning and Survival).

You could, just for the fun of it, build a deadfall trap at work. The key is finding the best location to dig your trap. You need a place where people gather in unsuspecting herds. The pop machine? The water cooler? The boss’s door to tell her how great her hair looks? Choose one spot and stay late after work. Cut a large square in the floor (an electric saw would be handy) and place a net below it. Cover the hole with carpet, then wait. Stay up all night if you must, and watch the trap (camouflage face paint is optional). You can spend the time fishing in the fish tank. At some point (be patient) someone will step into your trap -- maybe even your boss. You can rush to the edge and shout, “Aha! See, I can be creative! I can think outside of the box! Do I get that raise?” And if someone reacts negatively to your creative survivalism, just tell them they’re part of a reality show. People always act their best when they think they’re on a reality show. Deadfall traps are only one of many survival techniques that will come in handy at work.

Another good idea is to identify which office plants are edible. (The rubber ones are not, but you can cut the cactus open and drink the juice.) Knowing which plants are edible could get you through those long meetings.

It’s also good to know how to defend yourself against sharks (it’s unlikely you will encounter them on the job, unless your last name is Cousteau or you work for a James Bond villain). The best defence if you find yourself in a giant aquarium and a shark is coming towards you is to punch it directly on the nose or to kick in a circular motion and connect with its gills. That will deter it. Good luck with that. If you survive, write me a note. I’d love to use that scene in a book someday.

Art

>Classroom/Review/Blog

>I did my first school visit of the year. Two 115 minute presentations back to back at Marc Garneau Collegiate Institute in Toronto. And you know what? They turned out fine. Well prepared classes, enthusiatic librarians, and a lockdown.

Lockdown? Oh, yeah, it was part way through my first presentation. A practice lockdown. I had been warned beforehand that it was coming. I assumed they do it every time an author presents. It keeps us on our toes! Actually, it was at the perfect time. Everyone needed a little break (my jokes were getting moldy). And afterward we just continued on with the presentation.

Was also given a booklet called A sudden asunder. Poetry by the students of Marc Garneau. I read it and was impressed by the quality. There are a lot of good, young writers out there.

Oh, hey, there's a nice review of Jolted in the
Globe and Mail. Always worry about the first review. What if my book sticks in the craw of some critic? Well, it didn't this time. Woo Hoo!

Finally, here's a reposting of 1 of the 5 blogs I did for the HarperCollins Canada website.
Write What You Know, Right?

I’ve never been hit by lightning. There, I admit it. Even though my newest book, Jolted, is all about Newton Starker, the last surviving member of a family line that has been wiped out by lightning strikes, I myself have never been hit by lightning. Sorry about that.

Writers are supposed to write what they know. We’re supposed to experience and soak up every last bit of infinitesimal detail about ... oh, let’s pick a topic ... the inner thoughts of earwigs or politicians or the influence of weevils on the Russian economy. I should have tried harder. I mean, I live in Saskatchewan, there’s lightning galore here, and you can see it from a long, long, long way off. But I’ve never been much of a storm chaser (we humans invented houses so we wouldn’t have to be out in storms, and we invented TV so that we could watch other silly humans chase storms). So, I wasn’t hit by lightning. But I did have my wife drag her feet on the carpet until she’d built up a massive static shock that nearly popped my eyeballs like popcorn. That’s as close as I’ve come.

Since I’m in a confessional mood, I should spill another bean: I have never been a pig. But I do have one in my book. A very intelligent one, in fact. I also have never ordered truffles from a company in France. But I did once have a steak with this amazing truffle butter on it. I know, I know. Truffle butter on a steak sounds odd, but it changed my life. And I could write the meal off as research (note to self—maybe talk to my accountant about that).

What I’m saying is that we writers tend to put things together piecemeal, we extrapolate from what we experience, and we MAKE THE REST UP. Well, I do. But I learned a lot about lightning along the way. Lightning delivers about 300 kilovolts of electricity in a few milliseconds. You really don’t want to experience that. I also learned that men are four times more likely to die from a lightning strike. Why? Perhaps because we don’t know when to stop that last round of golf. Or are we more likely to stand in one place and ask, “Is that getting closer or farther away?”

Art

>Eden/Lightning/Annoying your friend

>Whew! I'm home from the Eden Mills Festival. Which could also be called the Eat, Drink, and be Merry festival. In other words they fed me and the other authors (the ones whom I didn't elbow off the table) really well. And it was a wonderful experience, despite the rain. I was there to kick off my new book JOLTED and the rain and clouds were the perfect backdrop for a book about lightning. I shared the stage with my pals Kenneth Oppel and Alma Fullerton.


There they are pretending to be awake. People actually laughed at my reading (oh, the section I read was intended to be funny. They weren't laughing at me. Uh, I think). If you want to see more photos just click HERE. Lots of other writers were there including the inestimable Susan Juby, whom I did not get to hear read because she was on at the same time as me at a different stage. Acckk! Well, at least HarperCanada put me in the same ad as her:

The ad was so big I had to splice my scan of it together. Cool, ad though, eh? I mean we look ominous. Except Susan who looks friendly. She has to work on looking ominous. I like how they mention that our books are available wherever books are sold. Don't look in the alligator shops, folks! Or in the gutters (where you usually find my work)! Ah, I hope people are running into their bookstores as we speak.
And finally, have you ever wanted to annoy your friends? Well don't do this.


Cheers and all that,

Art