The Vault

Agent

Blog

Tori Slade

Dief the Chief

Short Stories

ARTicles

Review Zone

Odds 'n' Ends

Podcasts

Comics
Hallowed Knight

Great Scott!

Shades of Slade

Snow White and the Seven Elves

By Arthur Slade

so once upon a time the Queen looks in the mirror and asks mirror mirror on the wall who's the biggest threat of all and the damn mirror shows her my face me Snow White little miss prissy prissy who beat Goldilocks in the nicest girl contest though I did stuff the ballot box but anyway the Queen knows I was the result of that racy cuckolding incident seventeen years ago and that my genes run a little crooked so she wants my heart in a jar and she sends me on a picnic with this huntsman who wimps out drops his carving knife and lets me go saying whatever you do dear lay low

and there's no place lower than Orc's Eye a club deep in the roots of Doom mountain it's where all the cast-off rebels gather to party and there I am dancing away with exiled lords and dukes and having a grand ol' time till this clunky plate-armoured knight stomps on my toe sending me to a corner to nurse my wounds and just then these seven elves shift out of the shadows and surround me saying they have a proposition which involves me going back to their house tonight and I say excuse me but before I can slap all seven of their faces the ugliest one who's called Grumpy gruffly explains we want someone to clean and cook and look after the yard and maybe do our underclothes up fine while we're off at our mines and I realize suddenly that the stereotype is true elves are stuck in the fifties

so I take them up on their offer I need a better spot to hide anyway and my dad always said stay away from crocodiles and use every opportunity to get ahead cause time keeps tick-tick-ticking away and so I do some cleaning and cooking and I put on my widest smile when they come home all seven of the pudgy buggers piling in from a day at the mine sooty smelling of elfsweat and salivating at the sight of the food I made and I keep smiling till they go away the next morning back to their shafts and shovels I spend three hours lounging in a hot bath scheming and in the afternoon I comb through their house and yard cause I know all elves got a stash of gold somewhere and on the twelfth day just when I think I'm going to break down and crack up I find a tiny little chest the size of a flea hidden under a spider web and I know exactly what to do next

that night when the elves return they eat the grandest meal of their lives roasted hen steamed peas and carrots and not a word is heard except Grumpy who mentions he doesn't like the slight almond flavor then a few minutes later the poison kicks in and they start to kick off Sneezy sneezes his last Dopey says huh and goes to never never land with a look of utter confusion on his face then they're dropping left and right thud thud thud thud and the last to go is Grumpy who just points at me and growls I suppose this means we don't get no dessert then he clutches his neck and falls into the potato salad

I know at this point you're thinking is she ever a capital N nasty person well I don't judge people by their actions I judge them by the type of parties they throw and if we all had that kind of attitude just think how fun this fairy tale land would be

anyway I get the treasure chest add a drop of my blood and tap it with a feather and poof the next thing you know it's full-sized jammed with enough gold coins and emeralds to drown in and I quickly send a courier pigeon to my broker buying all the stocks of 7 Elves' Mines who oddly enough just went through an unexpected down-sizing and are ripe for a takeover then I wait for a couple of months and my portfolio grows like a beanstalk until finally I can afford a few key purchases like the kingdom water works and the peasant farmer cartel then I start buying stock in the royal guard you know the hunks who protect the Queen and I can feel her shaking on her throne probably getting desperate to be rid of me and next thing you know there's a knock at the door and it's this old crone with a glorious red apple and a gleam in her eye so I take the fruit thank her and close the door thinking that's the oldest trick in the book sweetie

all I need is one more big investment and Queenie and I will be on even terms and lo and behold who rides into my yard but a prince named Peter who's handsome and docile exactly the way I like them and the first words out of his mouth are I don't know who you are but I love you and I say really then I have some papers for you to sign and when we're done with the quill and scroll we celebrate with some wine and he asks for a kiss but I say first take a bite of this apple and as he's falling to the ground I announce my daddy always told me to stay away from crocodiles and the only good Peter is a dead Peter and the prince whispers who was your dad and I answer Captain Hook

so with the prince out of the picture and his realm in my possession the next think you know I've got an offer from the Queen saying we can share the whole blessed kingdom just her and I chums like we always were and I answer sure that's fine that's perfect in fact I look forward to working hand in hand with you girl

course I'm gonna keep one eye on the throne