A look inside Arthur's brain...
Here's a conversation I "found" on a bus heading for Toronto. Almost word for word.
(SFX: Cell Phone Ring).
Hello? Oh, yeah. Just riding the bus. Shift coming up.
(Pause) A stabbing. At a school. Been working at it for awhile, was off for a few days, now back on it. Have it all on security camera but no one will talk. Can't get them to. It's like we know you were there we see you on the camera, but they say they don't remember anything.
(Pause) Her? Yeah, she's trying to find a job. I guess. But she sent all the wrong cover letters with her application. I think she's just happy with a few shifts at the centre. And spending all my money. Our last credit card bill was 3000 dollars. That's why I'm taking the bus. I figure it saves me $250 a month. But she just thinks she can spend that money, too.
(Pause). Out there. That must be nice. No. No holidays coming up. She thinks the parents should come down to babysit while she goes out. That's an hour drive for them and hour back so she can go out for an hour. That doesn't make sense. But I did get to come down and her and I went to a movie but when I came back there was a torn plastic bag on the floor. That stupid dog had been at it. My parents tried to hide all the evidence cause they know that I beat the crap out of it when it does that stuff. But I asked them what happened and they said it got up on the table and found the treat bag and ate all of it, even the bag. It's a stupid dog. How do you fix that? I figure I'll just put mousetraps on the table loaded with those little wieners, that'll show him. He won't go up on the table again.
(pause) Yeah, okay. See ya. (Click SFX).
It's quite the character study. Truth is always stranger than fiction...
The cornerstone of all good writing is the nap.
Don't let those nap naysayers try to convince you that naps are for children. That somehow it is lazy and unnatural for you to nap. Don't allow them to make an outcast of you. They are only jealous of your ubernap capabilities.
Yes, I say verily to you (and somewhat unverily) that you must take hold of your inner napper. You must celebrate especially the "power" nap (20 minutes). In that time you will descend into your subconsciousness and emerge from that dank, creative cave like a writing god (or goddess or demigod or mime, depending on your background) and return to your writing desks in the perfect frame of mind. You will be refreshed. More attractive! And more powerful! All the answers to all the plot and subplot and characterization problems will be solved by a nap (this works 100% of the time, though results vary by +-101).
Sons and daughters of nap! A day may come when the courage of those who nap fails, when we forsake our naps and break all bonds of napping fellowship, but it is not this day! This day we nap! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you nap!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ
Well, yesterday I received the author's copies of the German version of The Hunchback Assignments (which is called Mission Clockwork: Attack on The British Empire--love that title). They're absolutely gorgeous. Please accept my apologies because I am about to gush with authorial joy...
Doesn't that look like the mouse will jump right off the cover? And they books are shrink-wrapped, too (in recyclable plastic!). The Germans think of everything. Here's the spine.
And the cool back cover:
The awesome interior:
And the 3D amazingly triumphant cover:
They really went totally steampunk on the book. And it's a good look. Now if only I could read German!
Thanks for listening to my gushing.
PS: Let's watch the trailer again, just for fun:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP_S6IMQBd0&w=420&h=345]
These are inspired by a few questions I've been asked...
Q: Arthor, I read your book DUST. Tell me the symbolism in it. I have a paper due tomorrow so I need to know now. A: I will tell you the symbolism. But first I'd like you to cut my lawn. It needs to be cut now. I'm waiting.
Q: I have an idea for a book that you should write. It's my life story. Some really interesting things happened, so far. I can't tell them to you because you might steal the ideas. I'm too busy to write it. A: I'm not busy at all! Would love to sacrifice a year of my life writing your book. Is 2071 too soon?
Q: Why does your book suck so much? A: This may seem hard to believe but writing a book that sucks takes years of work. First I take anything that is remotely interesting or exciting out of the book. Then I add all the boring characters and have them sit around doing nothing. Finally, I inject suckiness into the prose using a special method taught to me by a suckiness master. It's like becoming a kung fu master, without the exercise. Glad to know my hard work has paid off.
Q: Really, I'm not joking, what is the symbolism in your book? I need to know. I got an extension. A: My lawn still needs cutting.
Q: I have some really great ideas. How do I stop people from stealing them? A: I don't want you to feel paranoid, but I'm reading your mind right now. Those are amazing ideas. If you want to prevent others from stealing your ideas wear a tinfoil hat.
Anyone else have questions? Post them below...
Art
