Margaret Atwood: The Prime Minister We Really Need

Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 4.47.39 PM The Short Story

I try to find a better choice for Prime Minister of Canada and come up with one conclusion.

The Whole Story

I'm saddened by the fact that we only have three choices for Prime Minister in this Canadian election and they're all male (I do realize I'm leaving out Elizabeth May but the Green wave is more of a conscientious trickle right now). I've thought long and hard about what we can do to get more and better choices. There's a team at work in the bunker trying to defrost Diefenbaker, but he may not be ready in time for October 19th, 2015.

So my vote is with Margaret Atwood for Prime Minister of Canada. She's the woman to get the job done right. Here's how she would handle the important issues:

The Economy: Not a problem for PM Atwood. She's part poet. And poets are profusely proficient at pinching pennies. So our 1.83 Trillion dollar economy would be more than enough for room and board for every Canadian (and in their free time they could write poems). In fact our economy, being poetry based, would grow from both the heart and the head outwards.

Foreign Policy: Are you worried about Putin messing with Ukraine? Just tell PM Atwood that Putin changed the last line in The Handmaid's Tale to "and it all ended happily ever after." Her icy glare would drive him straight back to the Kremlin. In fact she can reshape borders with that glare. Presidents fear it! Prime ministers and dictators put on sunglasses to avoid it. So all of our foreign problems would be solved with just one raising of her angry eyebrow (you may be curious about the icy glare. All authors have a patented icy glare. They develop it from attending galas where people say such things as, "Oh, you're a writer--what do you do for a real job?"). You do not want to ever push her to defcan 1.*

The Hair: Face it. This is an election about hair. She outclasses all three leaders in this important department. They fear her hair.

Healthcare: Not a problem for PM Atwood. She's a senior citizen. Seniors know healthcare. Just go to your local drug store or doctor's office and ask one. Then go and buy some Q-tips because you'll have had an earful.

Terrorism: Prime Minister Atwood would not be afraid of the terrorist threat that surrounds us so ubiquitously. According to a quick calculation on Goodreads she has personally caused three apocalypses, mercilessly offed 872 characters (not bad, but not George RR Martin numbers) and destroyed twelve marriages. What? That was all fiction! Just imagine if she could rewrite real life from the PMO's office.

The Arts & the CBC & Other Leftist Troughs: She would cut the arts. After all, with our presumptiously profuse and poetic economy pumping to perfection everyone will be buying books and watching Canadian movies and singing Canadian songs left, right and centre. Hockey players will recite poetry instead of fighting. Peter Mansbridge will don a beret and do the news "beatnik" style. And Mike Duffy will do dramatic recitations of a play called MacDuff: Everyone Look At Me and My Bank Account.

The Military: PM Atwood would become our military.

So there you have it. Margaret Atwood is the best choice for Prime Minister of Canada. It's time to write a real change!  Everyone grab their pens and vote! #Atwood4PM

*Defcan 1 is not a band that plays music on CBC. It's a state of military readiness in Canada. It means hockey stick in hand and ready to perform a full out body check. Defcon 1 (in case you're wondering) is the defense readiness condition (DEFCON) of the American military.  It means nuclear war imminent. Or in layman's terms: fire all your guns and jump in your bunker. Make sure you have some good reading material while you're there.

Review: Clariel by Garth Nix

IMG_3819 I'm going to start by pointing out that I have a soft spot for Sabriel, the first book in Garth Nix's Old Kingdom series. Clariel, which I just finished, is a prequel to the series and I'll get right to "reviewing" the book after I explain why I have a soft spot.

Many years ago (1997) my first novel came out and I did my first reading at Bastion Books in Nanaimo, British Columbia. When I was finished, Thora, the bookstore owner, said, "I want to give you a book as a thank you." And she handed Sabriel to me (bookstore owners seem to have an ESP when it comes to choosing the right book for the right person). I fell in love with the tone, the magic, and the ability of the author to make a new and interesting fantasy world ring with truth. So that's why I have a soft spot. I, of course, I read the following two books in the series.

Flashforward to now. Clariel, the prequel, was released almost twenty years later. I wondered if Nix could return to that world and capture the same voice. I'm pleased to say that the book rings with the same believability and authenticity as the trilogy (in other words the Old Kingdom still feels real). Clariel is a strong character with stark choices to make in her life. And the story itself does not feel as if it's a retread of the other novels. In fact it's a pleasure to see the Kingdom in its more idyllic days (uh, not that everything is rosy--far from it--there are intrigues within intrigues in the palace and, on top of that, the constant threat of free magic creatures). And it's a pleasure to have Mogget, the cat who is more than a cat, come back to life again (one of my favourite characters in fantasy fiction). All in all, a tale well told.

When I was finished, I began reading Sabriel again. The two books work well together (even though the stories take place hundreds of years apart). So if you haven't read any of this series start with Clariel. Then follow the path from there... 

 

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Shaun the Sheep is Brilliant

 

Brilliant! Any movie that can entertain my six-year-old (and me) for an hour and a half is perfect. On top of that, there's no intelligible dialogue--the humans mumble, the sheeps (sic) bleat, the dogs bark. The whole story is implied by facial expressions, set-up, and excellent visual story telling. As someone who has been watching silent films as research for my latest novel, this is in many ways an ode to that style of film making. The only words you'll hear are in the excellent soundtrack. So...two hooves up for this one.

Claymation = awesomeness.

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Five Reasons To Go On A Writing Retreat

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St. Peters The short of it: A cookie stuffed author explains why going on a writing retreat is so very helpful to writing.

The long of it:

Recently, I went on a four-day retreat to St. Peter's Abbey. There were eight other writers participating in this escape from the world (or should I say escape into other worlds?). The abbey is in the middle of the prairie in Saskatchewan (which is in the middlish part of Canada). And there are cookies. Did I mention the cookies? It may seem odd that a full-time writer needs to get away, but sometimes it's necessary. Here are the five reasons why it's important to go on a retreat.

1. Clear Your Cluttered Mind The human brain collects tweets, Facebook posts, and Hollywood star "facts"  like lint. Sometimes you need to shake all of that lint off. Going to a different place allows you to concentrate on That Which Should Be Really Important Right Now: your writing. 2. To Have Someone Else Look After You Napoleon used to say, "an army marches on its stomach." But the truth is writers also write on their stomachs. In other words: we need to eat in order to write. And a retreat centre is there to feed your body. For example: at St. Peter's Abbey the meals are served at 8AM, 12PM & 5:30 PM. You walk down to the dining room, fill your plate, eat & return to your room to write or read more. My only worry was whether or not I might trip on the stairs in my hurry to get to the dining room. Of course, I highly recommend having scintillating talk with your fellow attendees during meal time. It's like dessert for the brain. 3. Get Away From Everything & Everyone Children are lovely. They make noise. Wives and husbands are lovely. They make lists. Lists get in the way of writing. By the time you've cut the lawn and cleaned the bunions you may not have energy to write. At a retreat no one asks you to cut the lawn (unless you're at a lawnmower's retreat). Your brain and your time become your own. 4. Get Something Done The great gift of a retreat is that there are giant big blocks of time to devote to your writing. Time to think slowly. Time to dive right into that project with your brain firing on all six cylinders. One of the advantages of being with a group of writers is it felt as if I had joined a hive of creativity. A quiet one, since there wasn't any noise in the halls other than the occasional tick tick tap of computer keyboards. But I knew they were working. So I wanted to do the same. 5. Get Something Done Did I mention this twice? Yes, it's that important. And getting something "done" doesn't necessarily mean writing 20,000 words in three days. It's more about getting all those proverbial ducks in a row so that when real life comes knocking you are ready to concentrate. I went with two goals in mind: an outline for a project and a head start on a rewrite of a fantasy novel. That uninterrupted time meant that I could figure out that the outline was going nowhere, so I just dove into starting the novel and then took the time to think clearly about my goals for the fantasy novel. The energy I gained from the retreat is carrying me deeper into these projects now that I'm back in real life.

Oh, and did I mention the cookies?

 

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